Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Hey Newbie! 10 Tips for Tom Wiggans

Hey, Tom. First of all, welcome to Kansas! The Heart of America. The Sunflower State. America's Breadbasket!

We know you haven't been back in the state in 20 or 30 years...or is it more? So we wanted to offer our services and help you out before you begin your big journey across our beautiful state. Hopefully these tips and suggestions will make your stay in Kansas a little more comfortable.
  1. Before you hit the road, it's probably good to brush up on your Kansas facts. So feel free to take this quiz. It might take you a handful of tries to nail all the answers, but who's counting?

  2. Now, this will be a long journey. We are sure you are used to flying in style - first class, private jets even. But once the campaign begins, you'll need to look like an average Kansan. So ditch the suit and tie for something casual like khakis and a button up (don't forget to roll up the sleeves). Ya know, this can help you connect with hardworking Kansans.

  3. Buy a Garmin. For one, they are made right here in Kansas. Second, there are a whopping 105 counties in our state - yup, 105. We don't want you getting lost. You'll want to hit each county at least 4 or 5 have to make up for lost time. And apologies, we don't have any bays, wind-surfing, or Rice-a-Roni..well maybe check for that last one in the local supermarket.

  4. California isn't really popular here. They're basically bankrupt, liberal, and well, just keep quiet about your time there.

  5. Did you only give Obama $5,000 to help elect "change"? Or was it more? Nonetheless, keep that hush hush as well. Kansans aren't big fans of Mr. Obama.

  6. Kansans won't blame you for leaving the business world when you did. This Administration is running our economy into the ground and with all the regulation, taxes, and spending they're piling on, it's only going to get worse. So good timing on that one! But can we ask: do you want your $5,000 back?

  7. You don't need to overplay Kansas stereotypes to jive with us. We noticed your wheat-inspired logo on your website. We are proud of what we do, but just keep the Dorothy, wheat, flat land, and cow references to a minimum. We know who we are.

  8. Keep your supporters in line. Yeah, Democrats are pretty bitter here in Kansas and they tend to attack our patriotic inclinations, fondness of religion, and anything that isn't "progressive" enough for them. Please don't bash on us or stick your nose up at us...your party has already perfected that.

  9. We had an individual involved in the pharmaceutical industry who ran for Congress recently. She didn't last long. Just sayin'.

  10. Last of all, be yourself. We're pretty nice people once you get to know us. So best of luck as you get to know our state and the people of Kansas. Not a chance we want you in office, but enjoy the ride! And let us know how fun it is to spend millions of your own dollars on a political race. That has to be awesome!
Yours Truly, Right With Kansas

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